How to Simulate Navy Life at Home

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  • Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
  • When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
  • Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
  • Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
  • Wear only military uniforms. Clean and press your dress uniform every day and wear it for 20 minutes.
  • Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
  • Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
  • Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
  • Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" and then restore power.
  • Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry wrong rack".
  • Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, starboard side!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "Stowed for sea".
  • Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack truck going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
  • At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a "black water system" boo-boo.
  • Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
  • Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
  • Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
  • Install a bell on the front porch. Whenever your father-in-law comes over ring the bell 4 times and announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone.
  • Every time you enter your house salute the porch light and ask your dog for "permission to come aboard"
  • Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 5 to 95 deg C.
  • Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
  • Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
  • Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
  • Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
  • Clean your house until there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
  • Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
  • On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 60 degrees C, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
  • Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
  • Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, blow a whistle and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
  • Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the backyard at 6am and read it to you.
  • Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053"
  • Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
  • Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc)
  • Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
  • Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
  • Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.
  • Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald's, and NOT get promoted.
  • When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
  • Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask for hot dogs.
  • In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
  • When you take showers make sure you turn off the water while soaping.
  • Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
  • Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5-6 days before drinking.
  • Install a fluorescent lamp on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
  • Raise the threshold and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through.
  • Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go stand in front of your stove. Say (to no one in particular) "stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3-4 hours. Say (once again to nobody) "stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put it away.


The old, more complete version of this list can be found at the [GoatLocker]